Frenemies at the Gate
I
was sitting at the Starbucks on Dupont Circle sipping a
caramel machiato (not the usual skinny latte – clearly I was in an adventurous mood)
and I thought about the woman I had just bumped into minutes ago. We were
friends (and I use that term loosely) at Wharton. We moved in the same
social circles, got all dressed up and teetered off in our high heels to the
same glam-nerd b-school parties, and had probably (if only I could remember)
bonded over many a vodkatini.
But she was also that friend who would gush about how great it is to see me,
and omg its been too long, and we must get together for dinner,
but never ever follow up. And she once said to me “that’s strange that he won't
come visit you from Philly.. like my boyfriend, who comes to see me all the way
from Timbuktoo.” It may have been true, but the point is that’s a hurtful thing
to say. It is totally against the Girl Code, according to which you say “why
hasn’t that retard come to see you, you deserve way better than that
girlfriend!”
At that moment I decided that she was so off my list. She was a total
frenemy! And that got me thinking about such girls throughout my life. We've
all experienced various versions of this phenomenon. That girl existed
way before we first heard the term frenemy
on Sex & the City.
That girl was the one who, when you were young and didn't know any better, you
envied, adored, and resented in that very special combo-way only girls can. It
wasn't about whether or not you liked her. You hated her. You wanted to be her.
Usually all at once.
The first time this happened it was probably on the playground or in grade
school. But the time it had the most impact on you was probably in high school.
She was really nice and sweet on the surface, but so fake that even my ten-year
old brother could see right through her. Only, I couldn’t, and I thought she
was the next best thing since sliced bread. But even I knew deep down that she
said or did subtle things that made me feel bad. Maybe a little too flirty with
a boy I liked. A little too ready to break a shopping date with me at the
slightest chance to hang out with a more popular girl. And she seemed unable to
perform even the most basic steps of female bonding rituals. A normal woman
might say, "what are you talking about, you look amazing in that
dress." She was more likely to say "don’t worry, not everyone looks
good in tight fitting clothing." Ouch.
Later you'd encounter another version of her in college or grad school. You had
grown up, you were more secure and smarter. You weren’t going to fall for this
crap easily. But your frenemy was also now more sophisticated, accomplished,
and competitive. The thing is by this time the lines had blurred; you had a lot
in common with her. You actually enjoyed conversation with her, as well as the
parties, the gossip, and the apparent intimacy created by getting the lowdown
on mutual frenemies over bottles of red wine.
Yet, you couldn’t completely trust her. On occasion you hear she said this
about you to that person. She fails to consistently demonstrate the loyalty and
support you expect – and get - from a real friend.
A third version of that Girl is now someone in your professional life. The
frenemy at work is the most dangerous. Because now money and a livelihood are
involved. You probably like her at some level - and indeed need her – as a friendly
ear at work. And on the surface the relationship is deceptively pleasant. But
underneath it, she is jealous, competitive, female, and ferocious. And you’ve
felt that blade in your back once too often and when you least expect it -
she’s showed you up at important meetings or not defended you at critical
times.
Why are some women like this? It is such a drag. I suppose, in the end, we’ve
just got to accept it. Some people are congenitally unable to have true
friends. They always have an angle and they've got to have the edge. It's
better for them if people don't get too close to them. That’s why they are like
that. Might as well enjoy whatever role they play in your life. As long as you
are cognizant of the fact that they do not play for your team, and don’t
have any expectations that they ever will, you won’t get burned.
It’s a bit like China and the US.
