Forgiveness

I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside loves open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

Yeah what is that - when we have all we ever wanted, and we are reasonably content, what makes us beg for some undefinable "more"? Is it fear, fear of the unknown, fear of actual real happiness that somehow feels foreign and scary because you are so defined by turmoil and drama, the only two states of mind that you are really familiar with?

The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, Im learning again
Ive been tryin to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think its about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

One's will is a capricious thing. Sometimes it pursues its object and wild animals couldn't hold it off. Other times it wants to take a nap, exhausted from trying to figure out things for which there simply are no answers. As for "scattered" thoughts, a mind such as mine that is capable of thinking Yes and No presicely at the same moment... well eventually that leads you to a place of backtracking and flip-flopping, half-truths and white lies, and a tremendous loss of credibility.

These times are so uncertain
Theres a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age?
The trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
Theyre the very things - we kill I guess
Pride and competition
Cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us
You know it doesnt keep me warm

Love in a graceless age - perhaps this blog would be renamed - these are indeed different times, things change fast, doesn't seem like love survives long in graceless places. Even innocence has caught the last train out, and there's nobody left on the platform to take the blame. Trust and self-assurance, twin virtues, but easily annihilated by a lack of consistency and integrity.

Ive been tryin to get down
To the heart of the matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So Im thinkin about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you dont love me

Everyone gets old, everyone dies. So ultimately it probably is about forgiveness, but I am not there yet. For now, I am just trying to keep me one disaster less.

(lyrics from Heart of the Matter by India Arie)

Comments

[Dili]

Someones back after a long time :)

Stay strong. Healing comes with time...