Love in the Age of World Domination

Frenemies at the Gate

I was sitting at the Starbucks on Dupont Circle sipping a caramel machiato (not the usual skinny latte – clearly I was in an adventurous mood) and I thought about the woman I had just bumped into minutes ago. We were friends (and I use that term loosely) at Wharton. We moved in the same social circles, got all dressed up and teetered off in our high heels to the same glam-nerd b-school parties, and had probably (if only I could remember) bonded over many a vodkatini.

But she was also that friend who would gush about how great it is to see me, and omg its been too long, and we must get together for dinner, but never ever follow up. And she once said to me “that’s strange that he won't come visit you from Philly.. like my boyfriend, who comes to see me all the way from Timbuktoo.” It may have been true, but the point is that’s a hurtful thing to say. It is totally against the Girl Code, according to which you say “why hasn’t that retard come to see you, you deserve way better than that girlfriend!”

At that moment I decided that she was so off my list. She was a total frenemy! And that got me thinking about such girls throughout my life. We've all experienced various versions of this phenomenon. That girl existed way before we first heard the term frenemy on Sex & the City.

That girl was the one who, when you were young and didn't know any better, you envied, adored, and resented in that very special combo-way only girls can. It wasn't about whether or not you liked her. You hated her. You wanted to be her. Usually all at once. 

The first time this happened it was probably on the playground or in grade school. But the time it had the most impact on you was probably in high school. She was really nice and sweet on the surface, but so fake that even my ten-year old brother could see right through her. Only, I couldn’t, and I thought she was the next best thing since sliced bread. But even I knew deep down that she said or did subtle things that made me feel bad. Maybe a little too flirty with a boy I liked. A little too ready to break a shopping date with me at the slightest chance to hang out with a more popular girl. And she seemed unable to perform even the most basic steps of female bonding rituals. A normal woman might say, "what are you talking about, you look amazing in that dress." She was more likely to say "don’t worry, not everyone looks good in tight fitting clothing." Ouch.

Later you'd encounter another version of her in college or grad school. You had grown up, you were more secure and smarter. You weren’t going to fall for this crap easily. But your frenemy was also now more sophisticated, accomplished, and competitive. The thing is by this time the lines had blurred; you had a lot in common with her. You actually enjoyed conversation with her, as well as the parties, the gossip, and the apparent intimacy created by getting the lowdown on mutual frenemies over bottles of red wine.

Yet, you couldn’t completely trust her. On occasion you hear she said this about you to that person. She fails to consistently demonstrate the loyalty and support you expect – and get - from a real friend.

A third version of that Girl is now someone in your professional life. The frenemy at work is the most dangerous. Because now money and a livelihood are involved. You probably like her at some level - and indeed need her – as a friendly ear at work. And on the surface the relationship is deceptively pleasant. But underneath it, she is jealous, competitive, female, and ferocious. And you’ve felt that blade in your back once too often and when you least expect it - she’s showed you up at important meetings or not defended you at critical times.

Why are some women like this? It is such a drag. I suppose, in the end, we’ve just got to accept it. Some people are congenitally unable to have true friends. They always have an angle and they've got to have the edge. It's better for them if people don't get too close to them. That’s why they are like that. Might as well enjoy whatever role they play in your life. As long as you are cognizant of the fact that they do not play for your team, and don’t have any expectations that they ever will, you won’t get burned.

It’s a bit like China and the US. As the prolific Stephen Colbert put it: China is our Frenemy. They're communists, but they stabilize our economy. 

Facebook Stalking

We all like to stalk our friends. And this was way before the internet. We always want to see other people's photos, check out how they look, who they are dating, and who their friends are. We are curious, competitive, and obsessed.

And especially with those "friends" who we would never be in touch with if not for Facebook and other social networking sites - old colleagues, high school friends, grad school friends, friends from cities we used to live in 10 years ago, third cousins, and other very random people.

Ironically, three of my closest friends are not on Facebook. I am inside their lives, living it with them, not looking in from outside. But for the 78 other friends (damn I have to work on increasing that number) I spend about half an hour every day catching up on the minute details of everyone's lives, leaving wall posts for birthdays, and sending gossipy little messages like "OMG - did you see what's on X's wall - do you think he might be gay?"

Do you feel like your Facebook stalking is getting out of hand? If so, you can consult the The Physician’s Desk Reference to Facebook Neuroses, the leading handbook used by psychiatrists to diagnose Facebook addictions. The book outlines several sub-types of FB diseases (courtesy of Killed It).

• Wall Post Deleter – patient demonstrates extreme standards for messages posted on his/her wall. Readily deletes your post if it reveals too much, is embarrassing, or contains 1 or more grammatical flubs.
• Mini-Feed Article Deleter - X’s out mini-feed entries to falsely represent self and destroy the “paper trail”, effectively controlling viewers’ attention pathways. Related condition: Chronic Zero Entry Mini-Feed, in which mini-feed artificially remains at zero at all times in order to convey false image of low Facebook usage.
• Rampant Untagger – Most often female, this patient is extremely physically insecure and will untag anywhere from 35-88% of pictures. Patient provides reasons for untag by posting comments such as “OMG my mole looks like a rhombus in this pic, gross” or “ugh my shoulders aren’t even parallel to each other in this pic GOD!”
• Only Makes Friends with Girls Guy - this male patient is always adding a wide range of friends, but immediately upon confirming a friend request with a new male friend, he immediately deletes the respective Mini-Feed entry and leaves only the female names, so his friends think he’s “pulling mad chicks.”
• News Feed Dominator - ignorant to Facebook’s Privacy Settings feature, he/she has the most liberal privacy options and ends up dominating friends’ News Feed with everything from routine wall posts to friend confirmations that nobody cares about.
• Wall-to-Wall Zealot – this person will make sure his wall-to-wall post count with friends is accurately correlated with the level of friendship in real life. If this person is your boyfriend/girlfriend, he/she will not stop until your wall-to-wall count is far ahead of any other friend’s. Even if you talk numerous times a day via phone, text message, and IM, he/she will rehash old inside jokes or post meaningless banter on your wall in order to increase post count. Has also been known to “wall bomb” you with multiple consecutive messages as a cheap way of increasing the count.

Batting Against the Home Team

Don't do it!

Easier said than done of course. Its like we are programmed to say things like, "OMG - if I had her legs I would not wear that skirt!" or "she is so narrow minded when she walks her earrings knock together."

And then we have those female 'friends' - frenenemies - who we are sickly sweet to on the surface but whose guts we secretly hate, and whom we love to gossip about behind their backs. Why are women so mean to each other?  It starts on the playground (ewwwww look Hira's wearing purple), continues through high school, and gets worse in college, and reachesepidemic proportions by the time the little brats get to the office/boardroom.

Office politics among women is truly the worst offender. Forget the glass ceiling. Men can't compete with the crap that women dole out to each other! Studies have found that women bosses are significantly more likely than men to discriminate against female employees, mark down women’s prospects for promotion, and to assess them as more controlling than men in their management style. Apparently the “queen bee syndrome” of female rivalry in the workplace may be as bad as sexism in holding back women’s careers.

Women are hard on each other. Sometimes this can be a good thing. Like when you drive each other on to accomplish great things. But there are those who make a national sport out of putting down other women. Most women are instinctively into who in their environment is threatening to them - usually someone whose got better hair, shoes, or boobs. And the claws come out. But you'd never know - because it is usually very sophisticated and very subtle. Maybe the female of the species eally is deadlier than the male...

The point is we are own worst critics, our worse enemies at a time when we women need each other more than ever. In this age of world domination and cold independence, where would we be without our moms, sister, and girlfriends? The women in our lives hold us together, help us do the things we don't always want to do, and walk beside us on this incredible yet often treacherous path of life.

So, as tempting as it is, as delicious as it sometimes is, try not to bat against the home team. Don't knock the sisterhood.

Facebook has Ruined my Blogging

And in more ways than one.

First, after getting through the friend requests, writing on walls, throwing sheep, and checking out tagged photos, when is there time to write on blogs.. in fact I barely have time to check email anymore.

Second, what is there to write anymore? Everyone knows what you are up to, literally on a daily, if not hourly basis. Besides, I kind of feel like I am in touch with All and Sundry; is there really any need to write more about the goings-on in Washington - ex. the melting hot summer daze we are all in here? There isn't even a need to create and upload cute Ayush pics to flickr anymore because through my network you can access the albums on her parents' pages.

Its like Facebook makes everyone a mini-blogger. And writing/creative skills are not necessary, there's a template for everything, dumbed down and customized for the masses, keeping them in a big blue and white containment zone.

And make no mistake, FB is NOT a networking site. Its not about jobs or being linked in with alumni. Its about the gossip, the ‘what did you do yesterday’ element of it. Its about stalking people you barely know, voyeuristically flipping through pictures of folks you haven't been in touch with for decades.

It’s a gigantic high school reunion, with all the craziness and trauma that goes with it.

How to be a Good 'Friend'

Ah how the rules have changed.

Given that these days one is more likely to make friends on Facebook than at work or at the local coffee shop, we could all use some guidance. So courtesy of Valleywag:

1. Get in the friend zone. Have at least 15 "friends" so you don't look like a loner. But if you're just starting your career or not very connected, be wary of filling out with over 100 tenuous connections; after that, keep it below 300.

2. Be the interesting one. On a network where people actually do stuff (like the social messaging site Twitter), you can set yourself apart just by never wasting other people's time. Don't tell everyone "I'm making a sandwich." Tell them "I just dropped half my sandwich on the floor, peanut-butter side down. I picked out a couple of hairs so I think it's still okay to eat."

3. Interact with your friends. A Facebook user who just sits there without messaging, writing on walls, or at least joining a couple of groups; or a YouTube user who's never left a comment; or a Flickr user who has just three favorite photos, is like a sex partner who just lies there.

4. Let it all hang out. The more someone can see of your profile before they be"friend" you, the more likely they'll see something that makes you a good "friend."

5. Remember the reality curve. The more activity that happens on a social site, the more "friends" you can add that aren't actually friends. For instance, adding a hundred people you've never shaken hands with on Facebook is bad. Adding a hundred such people on Yahoo Chess, not bad at all.

6. Fake it just a little. Put up a flattering profile photo or highlight your best accomplishment. The slight disappointment as your "friend" gets to know you is a normal part of all human relationships. Just avoid lies and Photoshop.

7. Don't set your relationship status to "It's complicated." No one wants friends who are "complicated." Unless, of course, they're kind of creepy and think they can steal you away from whomever things are complicated with.

8. Link your social profiles to each other. Link to your Blogger or MySpace accounts from your Facebook profile. (Unless, of course, that's where you keep your private confessions and bong collection photos.) Like adding your friends as "friends" and filling out your profile, this just fills in context about you and makes you seem more like a real person.

9. Make mutual "friends." For a particularly tough-to-meet "friend," you've got to invade from neighboring territories. Yes, this is a metaphor from Risk, but it's kinda true.

10. Leave a wall post on birthdays. Endorse your colleagues. Favorite your "friends'" photos. Even if these little gestures feel meaningless to give, they feel strangely powerful to receive. In another sense, that's the whole point of being a good "friend."

OMG - My Mom is on Facebook!

Hilarious.  We are SO in the 21st century now.

Facebook is the size of a small country - 24 million 'citizens'. Its a serious phenomenon, totally overtaking MySpace and all those other networking sites.

It started as - just for the kids - then the adults got in. But why are parents using it to spy on the kids?? Creepy.

Parents are increasingly visiting social networking websites to ‘spy’ on their children, according to a study by London School of Economics (LSE).

So one thing that came out of my 20-something cousin's visit was that she got me onto this craze, and I have now set up abode on what undergrads all over the world are calling the second most "in" thing ever (the first being iPod and the third being sex).

But here's my question: the Facebook platform is totally open, anyone can sign up, parents included. How is this going to affect the needs of the primary market segment of teens and twentysomethings- for whom privacy is key to sharing emails and pictures with their friends about music, movies, and the latest crush?

In 5 days I have reconnected with all kinds of ex-classmates and old friends. Here's a typical Facebook  event:  Lotta Takala-Greenish (a girl who went to high school in Switz with me) sends a message asking if I'd like to contribute a recipe to a gift book for Priyanka Senadhira's wedding - another friend from high school who also went to LSE with me, and who also happens to be my ex sis-in-law. I also learnt that Nimit Shah and Neel Bhatia who I went to Wharton with are now friends, and that yesterday Pooja Mall threw a sheep at Smriti Jha who later that evening joined "I Was At LSE in the 1900's - LSE Alumni of the Last Millennium".

If globalization made the world smaller, Facebook has made it micro - a tiny tiny little village - where we all know exactly what everyone else is up to.

The Ultimate Girls Trip

The day Mom left, Sam arrived in Washington. We spent a couple of days in DC before leaving for our trip to South Florida.  I have to say - this little vacation and everything we did - was Sam's initiative, because lets face it , if it were left to me I would find a hammock on a beach (with a power outlet for the laptop) and that would be the end of it. But thanks to my little Swiss friend..

We flew into Miami and spent the first night in downtown Miami. We were both totally.. underwhelmed. Yeah there are a bunch of palm trees and some fancy hotels (and a few crazy cab drivers) but really. So the next day we rented a car and drove all the way down the Florida Keys - Key Largo, Islamorada, Marathon, and finally Key West - the southernmost point, which is only 90 miles from Cuba.

Now Key West is more like it - totally storybook - pretty houses with green lawns and white picket fences. The type of place I can totally see my parents retiring. We had a yummy lobster dinner at the Marina and stayed the night at the most charming little inn run by a retired gay couple - Paul and Les - who made us many a cups of tea.

On our way back we parked the car, changed into our swimsuits, and dipped into the blue waters at Bahia Honda. Sam did an awesome job driving 250 miles on US Route 1, and we arrived safely back in Miami just in time to hit Sky Bar. A swanky outdoor lounge with white sofas around a candle lit pool area - imagine a cross between Miami Vice and Sex &the City. Interesting.. though personally for me a bar's a bar - and this could have been anywhere exotic, like Sri Lanka, or London on a warm summer day.

The next day we took the tri-rail up to Palm Beach where Sam attended the wedding festivities of an old school friend, while I chilled out at our hotel, by the pool, on the beach,  on the deck and anywhere else I could find.  And by 'chilled out' I mean I ate, napped, read, and blogged... and did it all over again. Sam would stop by in different gorgeous outfits on her way to the wedding events and I would take pictures.

The final two days were spent in South Beach - walking up and down the famed Ocean Drive, shopping, and taking in the sun and sand (and a few million false pairs) on the illustrious beach strip that was the model fashion shoot capital back in the 1990s. The best part about SoBe, however, is the Art Deco buildings - I just love the retro look and the pastel shades - its loud but it totally grows on you!    

Overall? I thought Miami was a little bling bling for my taste. Palm Beach was much more my scene. - Sri Lanka weather, European lifestyle, US infrastructure. But the best part of the trip, hands down, was being with Sam and our looooooooong discussions on everything under the sun.. we could have been holidaying in the Bronx, and I would have enjoyed it.

And that is ultimately what defines 'the ultimate girls trip' - its not where you are but who you are with. And as every girl knows its not about the sight seeing, its about the hours spent talking about.. boys.

The Art of the Holiday Party

Planning, lists, invitations, help, food, drink, and decorations. Its a lot of work putting together a fun holiday party. This year I really wanted to give it a try, even if a small one. And although I would have loved to get really creative - eg. a sprig of holly for an invite - time constraints meant more like a traditional card invitation (at least it wasn't email).

Then there was the decision whether to have a cosy dinner party for eight or an open house cheese and wine for all and sundry. In the end it was something in between.. appetizers and dessert for food, M downloaded NOW Thats What I Call Christmas at $17.99 for music, stole a couple of red pointsetias from the lobby for decoration, and hung a bunch of peppermint sticks on the plant for a christmas tree...

It was all fun, fun, fun, but left me a tad exhausted, and full of ideas for optimizing the event next year. Party pics here.

My Wish List

Whether you're ready or not, the holidays, mistletoe, and all that ho ho ho fun is just around the corner. And that means buying gifts. Now I take the gift-giving thing to a whole other level. I like to buy just the right gift for each loved one. I obsess about each gift, I make lists checking it twice (just like Santa!), I re-consider, I start all over again. “It’s not about the gift, but rather being with the people you love” speech is totally lost on me. Its totally about the gift. I can't stress it enough.  And the whole process is important - the buying, the wrapping, the giving, and in some cases... the returning :)

As for my own wish list, its funny but I really had to rack my brains. Honestly there's nothing I really need. Sure there is the new laptop, and I am thinking of starting baking again, so maybe a mixer, but these are things that I'd rather buy myself. So whats the point? Maybe its about getting stuff you don't really need (the type of stuff that you'd feel too guily to spend precious $$ on) but is super fun to get for free. For example:

1. A Toyota Prius 2004. OK so its a bit much to ask for a hybrid car for Christmas. But a girl can dream no? The Prius is the first of its kind - a vehicle classified as a SULEV (Super Ultra Low Emissions Vehicle), 90% cleaner than conventional cars. Oh and it has a computer that can parallel park for you.
2. Well while I am dreaming - how about world peace? Yes I'd like freedom, peace, and happiness among and within all nations. I think if every male between the age of 10 and 40 was given an Xbox there would be no fighting in this world. I mean seriously- how hard can it be?
3. My own island. This one in Belize is for sale and its not any more pricey than a small house. Islands have fascinated the minds and occupied the imaginations since the days of Colombus. And ever since the advent of Lost - I can't get enough.
4. Which one is the apple of your i? The IHome or the IMac? I am kinda lusting after the iRobot Scooba. Another thing - I have never played video games in my life but I am ready to take the plunge with the Wii. 
5. A maid service /personal valet who will wake me up with a cup of tea and get me off to work in the morning. Who will chop the onions and dice the chicken for me to cook in the evening, who will pay bills, and buy milk, and put away the laundry.
6. A week at this 'zen den' luxury spa. Just what the spiritual narcissist in me would like. I can sleep between yoga and spa sessions and delight in the Ommmmm-ness of it all.

Homeless Shelter Meal

Yesterday, on Thanksgiving Day, we went to a homeless shelter and helped cook and feed 30 men and women.  We set a candle lit table, and sat with our special guests to eat a traditional thanksgiving meal - the full combo - that would be turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes, creamed spinach and ... 'curried' green beans (yes that was my contribution... how was I to know that it was to be a traditional meal??!).

 

Art thats Turning Heads (2)

Giant heads invade 14th Street. The opening of Ledelle's latest exhibition took place over the w'end. Monumental and heroic, there they stood. All that concrete and metal formed into a graceful whole. Just like the artist - all that raw talent and emotion formed into the Grace that is Ledelle.  Just as amazing as the heads themselves was the actual space in which they were exhibited - a half concrete, half finished dusty floor, brick walls, loft like high ceilings, and dim lighting. It gave the ancient looking exhibit an edge - a cutting edge. Unconsciously chic, they drew a very consciously chic crowd. I liked that contrast.

Here's the funny thing. I just realised that these pieces were conceived of around the time we became friends about 22 months ago. I remember being at her studio and she was trying to explain this model on her computer of a big head shaped grid of iron to me.. and I was like, uh hmm yeah thats interesting but can we talk about P---- now? (the boy of my obsession at the time). How was I to know she was creating a major piece of art.

The first exhibition of "Collapse" was launched in the summer of 2005 in Durban, South Africa.  A second iteration was created in October in Des Moines, Iowa.

More pictures courtesy of Elvert Barnes

Is 60 the new 20?

NEWSFLASH: The first of the 78 million baby boomers (ie. born from 1946 and 1964) turn 60 this year. Healthier and wealthier than ever before, these baby boomers clearly have no plans to go gently into the night.

Recently my friend Niki and I joined our respective sets of parents and their friends at a villa in Greece. When we arrived we found the raucous group had all but destroyed the peace and quiet of the little place.

I have rarely seen a bunch of people talk, shout, laugh, argue, complain, play, flirt, drink, sing, and dance the night away, with such abandon and enthusiasm, or at such a high decibel level. So much debauchery and tomfoolery, I tell you it made me blush (well- brown people don’t really blush, but I do this sort of looking-down-at-my-feet-and-squeamish-lip-movement thing).

It gives a whole new meaning to vacationing with the parents. Makes you feel old and responsible, like you had to keep an eye on them or someone would fall drunk into the swimming pool or get kicked out of a restaurant for making such a racket OR (as did in fact happen) miss the boat and get stranded in Corfu town without a way back other than a $100 cab ride.

True, this particular group is blessed with oodles of disposable income, and close friendships going back decades that helps gel them into a force to be reckoned with in any public place, but its more than that. There seems to be a more general phenomenon- the eternal youth and spirit of the late 50s/early 60s club.

The first thing I noticed was the attire. Have you noticed how lately everyone wears the same clothes? On this vacation, it was no different. The older ladies, and Niki and I - 30 years their junior – all wore capris, crops, tank tops, flip flops, and that essential piece of the summer 2006 wardrobe, the white skirt. Moreover, the 60-plus brigade were as slim, as into health eating, and dare I say, more energetic (staying up till 2am and waking up at 9am) than we were.

The second thing is the conversation. It seems that today we talk about the same things whether it is with one’s close girlfriends or with one’s parent’s friends. And it was all very candid, no holds-barred.

Me: I write this blog about life in the city.. and other topics.

Aunty X: Ohhhh you mean like Sex and the City?

Me: yeah its like Sex and the City… without the sex.

Aunty X: Ohhhh come on now – I am sure you have a lot of adventures!

Jesus!!!?  a) No, I don’t. b) Since when do aunties openly comment on your sex life (or the lack thereof)?

The third thing was this bizarre but palpable converging of interests. Either age is becoming less of an issue overall or these two particular decades converge very neatly. When you are 30, you are less likely to be in a crowded bar full of tourists, and more likely to be enjoying a good conversation over a moon-lit dinner. Meanwhile, the 60-somethings, on the verge of retirement, are relatively care-free and ready to enjoy life. Thus the gap narrows as you embark on serious adulthood with nervous trepidation, and they on a second childhood with wild abandon.

At the turn of the century, maybe we have all grown up. We are, finally, real friends with our parents. We have learnt not only to get along but to enjoy each other. We can take the same holidays, pursue the same leisure activities, and wear the same clothes.

Are you a true Baby Boomer? Take the Quiz and find out!