Love in the Age of World Domination

Frenemies at the Gate

I was sitting at the Starbucks on Dupont Circle sipping a caramel machiato (not the usual skinny latte – clearly I was in an adventurous mood) and I thought about the woman I had just bumped into minutes ago. We were friends (and I use that term loosely) at Wharton. We moved in the same social circles, got all dressed up and teetered off in our high heels to the same glam-nerd b-school parties, and had probably (if only I could remember) bonded over many a vodkatini.

But she was also that friend who would gush about how great it is to see me, and omg its been too long, and we must get together for dinner, but never ever follow up. And she once said to me “that’s strange that he won't come visit you from Philly.. like my boyfriend, who comes to see me all the way from Timbuktoo.” It may have been true, but the point is that’s a hurtful thing to say. It is totally against the Girl Code, according to which you say “why hasn’t that retard come to see you, you deserve way better than that girlfriend!”

At that moment I decided that she was so off my list. She was a total frenemy! And that got me thinking about such girls throughout my life. We've all experienced various versions of this phenomenon. That girl existed way before we first heard the term frenemy on Sex & the City.

That girl was the one who, when you were young and didn't know any better, you envied, adored, and resented in that very special combo-way only girls can. It wasn't about whether or not you liked her. You hated her. You wanted to be her. Usually all at once. 

The first time this happened it was probably on the playground or in grade school. But the time it had the most impact on you was probably in high school. She was really nice and sweet on the surface, but so fake that even my ten-year old brother could see right through her. Only, I couldn’t, and I thought she was the next best thing since sliced bread. But even I knew deep down that she said or did subtle things that made me feel bad. Maybe a little too flirty with a boy I liked. A little too ready to break a shopping date with me at the slightest chance to hang out with a more popular girl. And she seemed unable to perform even the most basic steps of female bonding rituals. A normal woman might say, "what are you talking about, you look amazing in that dress." She was more likely to say "don’t worry, not everyone looks good in tight fitting clothing." Ouch.

Later you'd encounter another version of her in college or grad school. You had grown up, you were more secure and smarter. You weren’t going to fall for this crap easily. But your frenemy was also now more sophisticated, accomplished, and competitive. The thing is by this time the lines had blurred; you had a lot in common with her. You actually enjoyed conversation with her, as well as the parties, the gossip, and the apparent intimacy created by getting the lowdown on mutual frenemies over bottles of red wine.

Yet, you couldn’t completely trust her. On occasion you hear she said this about you to that person. She fails to consistently demonstrate the loyalty and support you expect – and get - from a real friend.

A third version of that Girl is now someone in your professional life. The frenemy at work is the most dangerous. Because now money and a livelihood are involved. You probably like her at some level - and indeed need her – as a friendly ear at work. And on the surface the relationship is deceptively pleasant. But underneath it, she is jealous, competitive, female, and ferocious. And you’ve felt that blade in your back once too often and when you least expect it - she’s showed you up at important meetings or not defended you at critical times.

Why are some women like this? It is such a drag. I suppose, in the end, we’ve just got to accept it. Some people are congenitally unable to have true friends. They always have an angle and they've got to have the edge. It's better for them if people don't get too close to them. That’s why they are like that. Might as well enjoy whatever role they play in your life. As long as you are cognizant of the fact that they do not play for your team, and don’t have any expectations that they ever will, you won’t get burned.

It’s a bit like China and the US. As the prolific Stephen Colbert put it: China is our Frenemy. They're communists, but they stabilize our economy. 

The Laziest Way to do it

I am a big believer in figuring out the laziest way to do anything. Put another way, it means figuring out the "smartest, easiest most efficient way to do it”.

And there are a lot of people like me.

I mean seriously - why do you have to deliberately slow your minds down to do something in 10 steps when you can do it in 2. It takes talent to simplify things, whereas making things more difficult is easy.

With me, usually what happens is there is a period of extended procrastination because, after all, speed kills. And then suddenly, under pressure or duress (or some kind of threat to my life), my mind focuses. And it focuses sharply. Then I want to what I am doing as quickly and as efficiently as possible.

Some people simply don't attach a value to hard work for the sake of hard work. They prefer being creative and figuring out how to do things quickly with the least amount of energy possible. This is probably the combination of impatience, the ability to act impulsively, and a willing to take disproportionately high risks. We love it. We get high on it.

That’s one reason people like me don’t do well in large, conservative bureaucratic organizations where they often have the mentality of “that’s the way we’ve always done it so it should be good enough for you”. A certain big Bank comes to mind.

My response to that is “that’s the way you’ve always done it, is because you weren’t:

A) smart enough

B) creative enough

C) or had enough initiative to come up with an easier and more effective way of doing it”

There's something arguably attractive about being busy. Busy is important. Busy is respected. There's also a stereotype that all smart people are busy. The ultimate place for busy bitching was B-School. Go anywhere, at any time of the day, it was full of busy future businesspeople busily competing with their busy friends about who is busier. I am sure in this respect it is no different from Law  School or Med School. You know what busy really means? That you didn't get to go to b-school or college, so you're busy working three full-time jobs to support your family. Thats the real busy.

My Worst Nightmare

Would be this.

If I had to go without internet for more than 48 hours that would be truly awful. Cell phone - I don't mind so much. I've never been a big caller or one of those people who have really long chats on their phones on a daily basis. I text some, but never more than 10 messages per day.

I do communicate considerably more through IM, and Facebook, and email, and my blog. Hence why an online outage would be harder. But the major reason life without the internet would be truly a challenge is not for the communication aspect but for more functional matters - I read my newspapers online, I listen to music online, I watch TV online, I pay my bills online, I check weather reports and stock markets on line, I shop online, and I write online.

Its pretty much everything. Without the internet what would I do for even a day? I'd have to get outside. On to the streets. In this cold. Hmm, yeah, I like not so much.

And Looking Forward

So I am making a list and checking it twice. For all I want to do in 2008.

Which is superficially: a) exercise more, b) drink water, c) stop eating chocolate, d)  just decide and marry someone already! 

I wonder what this year has in store. Is it going to be the Greatest Year yet or just an Average Year? In the end, does it even matter? I've come to realize that no matter what big goals one may have, and how many of them one accomplishes, all that matters is how each day was lived, and whether one was reasonably content each of those days. In the current age of discontent we live in, there is little point in pining your happiness on better jobs, bigger homes, thinner bodies, hotter relationships, or what have you, because getting any extraneous thing only holds its allure for a few months before you set new goals. Want more. Pine for the next thing.

An Average Year would be just fine.

In that spirit, this year I want to keep my resolutions really simple:

1) I want to care less about the things I really shouldn't care so much about. And more about the things I should - like health check-ups, and meditating.

2) I want to show up for people I've promised things to, for commitments I've made. And on time. To stop running, always an hour late, a dollar short, and a button missing.

3) I want to be thankful for what I already have, but most importantly, for all I already am.

4) I want to make the most of a life that is set in one of the freeiest places on Earth, in the most prosperous country, at the turn of the 21st century.   

5) I want to stop regreting time lost - whether it was the years lost back in the day, or just the hours lost yesterday. Everything takes the time it does. We get where we get when we get there.

6) I want more time to play with my photos, and picasa, to understand depth of field and white balance, to make memories in sepia. I want more time to think in colors, decorate, to match the carpet with the right shade of Roman soft shade blinds, I want more free time for learning and reading, editing things and playing with stuff.

The Oddysey Years

"The Odyssey Generation are people in their thirties who are restless both personally and professionally. They are unsettled in their careers, and they are unmarried".

These articles are pretty interesting. Here I am in my early thirties, with a job I like, my own home, and savings for a rainy day. I have best friends who are like family, family who are like best friends, and a life that is thoroughly rooted in the 21st century. I have my banker, therapist, personal trainer, agent, and mortgage lender on speed dial. Not restless but it is true that...

I don't have a marriage, kids, or a sense of being settled in an assured stable partnership. Now am sitting here thinking - OMG! that is odd. What happened?! Then I think, wait but thats everyone's story. I can't tell you how many men and women I know here in Washington DC - some mere acquiescences, some good friends - who are in the same position, and kind of collectively incredulous as to how we all got here...  and how its actually a pretty damn good place to be in, despite it being very different to what we may have imagined in our twenties.

And I am not sure that we are wondering about 'lost', not sure of ourselves, as the article implies.  In fact some of these people have probably never been more self-assured, or more content. Our generation - we are smart on what the odds are for marriage  - ie. HALF of them end in divorce - and we want to be very very  certain. Society and religion are simply not putting the pressures they used to on keeping unions together. And it really doesn't matter anymore whether you are in Sri Lanka or Switzerland - the decline of the institution of marriage holds true everywhere. 

Now, I am totally not saying this is a good (or bad) thing. Who knows. I am not God. I am simply commenting here on a situation that a whole generation of young people are finding themselves in. Those of us who do not really trust the wisdom of things handed down to us kinda wanna take the time to figure things out for ourselves. The word ‘odyssey’ captures that sense of exploration, journey, quest.

For many that means world travel, adventure, wonderlust, a kick-ass career. But for me - seriously I just want more information damn it! More data points that it will work out. Like I don't want to settle down, find a suitable mate, and reproduce my incredible genetic code? Hell yeah! But I am not stupid, and I know that this is a very tall order. Better to take the requisite time to get it right.

Also, of course we are an entitled generation - educated, well heeled, and well-informed. We don't need to just tick the box and procreate. We want to marry someone we love/like, someone who is a companion and with whom we can enjoy movie night and Sunday brunch (and trekking in the Himalayas for those of us so inclined ), and above all, form a relationship that will last.

Good Habits for the Last Quarter

Its October 1 today, which means we are now officially in the last quarter of 2007. How quickly we got here.

So I've been doing a bit of naval gazing (people who write blogs tend to do a lot of that) and have come up with a list of 'good habits' I want to focus on for the rest of this year. They are based on a bunch of great tips  I found over at Zen Habits.

1) Simplify my life. I’ve greatly simplified my life this year. I have consolidated my finances, paid off all my grad school debt, got rid of old furniture, and old clothes. I have less 'stuff' in my home, and less accounts and paperwork to manage across two continents. But I still need to set up a filing cabinet and efficient systems for laundry, mail, dry cleaning, house cleaning, and random administration.

2) Manage information overload and communications. I really need to figure out how to simplify communications with friends and family, and not swing from extreme to extreme. I either go AWOL and don't reply to anything for days, OR go crazy and spend 12 hours straight interacting on email, facebook, blog, skype, and MSN. I really don't know how to do the in-between - responding briefly in a timely manner, handling 'paper' only once etc. 

3) Plan 3 most important tasks for day and week. I love making To-Do Lists as much as I hate doing whats on them. Items such as 'dental check-up' languish on there for months. And I have this annoying natural inclination to do the least priority, least important thing first. Like, if my list today is - do expense claims worth thousands of dollars, pay an important bill, and update photos on flickr - guess which one I will do first and spend 3 hours on? Yes, that would be flickr hands down. This quarter I am going to force myself to limit it to 3 important tasks for the day, and aim to get those done first. Its the 80-20 rule. You get 80% of the value from 20% of the tasks. Focus on these. The rest is just icing on the cake.

4) Change my evening routine. An evening routine is supposed to be a good way to wind down from a long day, prepare for your next day so the morning isn’t so hectic. My evening routine involves anything but winding down. Armed with several cups of coffee/tea and a critical amount of sugar (in the shape of chocolate or ice cream), I get ready for a good 2-3 hours of hyper-activity on FB, blogs, email, YouTube,and 5 simultaneous conversations on skype and MSN. I really really want my evening routine to be a hot shower, a cup of chamomile tea, and sleep by midnight.

5) Change my morning routine. If there is one thing worse than my evening routine it is my 'morning routine'. In fact to dignify the train wreck that is my morning by calling it a routine might be too much. Morning people, early risers say exercise or meditation or quiet contemplation is a great way to greet the day. I hate these people. My morning 'routine' essentially involves me jumping out of bed at 9am and rushing half dressed to the metro. On the metro, between the 7 stops from Cleveland Park to Union Station, I put on some makeup, perhaps a par of earring if there is one to be found at the bottom of my handbag.  This quarter I will aim to get ready at home instead of on public transportation, and perhaps even have a banana before I leave the  house.

6) Exercise. Oh dear Lord, what I wouldn't give to be one of those people who is addicted to exercise. Who say things like "I love/need to workout, otherwise I am unhappy".  I know it to be true through direct experience that when I exercise, even for 20 minutes, I feel better, I drink water, eat well, sleep well, and have more energy. But getting there is like 90% of the battle, and it is one that I lose regularly. This quarter I want to go to the gym for just a half hour every other day, which is really not that much to ask.    

7) Be frugal. Now that I have a mortgage, and actually pay taxes (argh I miss the World Bank), I probably should not be having my twice daily starbucks tall skim latte, because at $7 a day that adds up to $2500 a year! Luckily I am not an impulse buyer or a big spender in any way, but I do spend with abandon on convenience items - cabs, lunch, snacks, magazines, books etc.

Marry someone who fits your personality, not your checklist

When I was 20 my checklist for a potential mate closely resembled one of those 1950s husbands, like the father character from the Brady Bunch. Its really embarrasing to admit this now, but I kind of imagined myself baking cakes, dressed in pearls and high heels, no less, while awaiting the arrival home of the picture perfect all-knowing husband.

Even my parents - two extremely open-minded and progressive people - were confused. "We didn't spend gazillions on your education for you to be a stepford wife!" I don't know - I guess I'd read too many bad romance novels. Hey - I was young! Cut me some slack.

Anyway, I quickly established through experience that these criteria were all wrong. There I was growing exponentially, as one does in ones twenties, and soon had decided that I didn't need to be taken care of, what I needed was someone ambitious, clever, wildly successful like my brother. And I decided to scrap the whole Lankan Catholic thing (I had been really big on that) as there was no proof that this contingent was better than anyone else.

So off I went to B-school at 28, armed with a new and improved checklist:
1) tall, dark, handsome
2) stellar resume (to match mine of course!)
3) uber-ambitious, driven to accomplish

Again, my parents were a bit like "WTF??". Not that they say that. They said something like "Hira, you need someone who will give you a significant amount of attention and spend a big potion of his time with you, not some alpha-male who is chasing his own tail."

I didn't listen of course. And I fell for, semi-enjoyed, and ultimately suffered through a couple more relationships with the tall, dark, handsome, ultra-male archtype.

Then one fine day in 2004 I met someone who was the exact polar opposite of everything on any of my lists. Someone who is in actual fact a lot like me - the real me - laid back, irreverent about most things in life, and about as alpha-male as a blueberry smoothie. Someone, who like me, has a deep need for reassurance and understanding, freedom and solitude. We get each other perfectly, right down to the full spectrum of OCD afflictions we share between us. Soul mates. Or rather like one soul with two heads.

Of course, as everyone on both sides of the Atlantic knows, this relationship has its own issues, and we are not together. But the point is that when two people's fundamental personality strengths and flaws fit seamlessly, its a pretty powerful thing. Its easy, effective, and you never have to explain yourself to the other person.

On the other hand, lists that reduce a person to a bunch of pluses and minuses is artificial and largely unhelpful. At worst, you get it wrong, and it ends up being a painful mistake - you spend the rest of your life with someone you choose according to your 20 year old limited view of the world. At best you get it right, and the list is accurate insofar as it correctly identifies the list of things the person you are married to should have but then.. I imagine that being married to a list can be soul-crushing.

Batting Against the Home Team

Don't do it!

Easier said than done of course. Its like we are programmed to say things like, "OMG - if I had her legs I would not wear that skirt!" or "she is so narrow minded when she walks her earrings knock together."

And then we have those female 'friends' - frenenemies - who we are sickly sweet to on the surface but whose guts we secretly hate, and whom we love to gossip about behind their backs. Why are women so mean to each other?  It starts on the playground (ewwwww look Hira's wearing purple), continues through high school, and gets worse in college, and reachesepidemic proportions by the time the little brats get to the office/boardroom.

Office politics among women is truly the worst offender. Forget the glass ceiling. Men can't compete with the crap that women dole out to each other! Studies have found that women bosses are significantly more likely than men to discriminate against female employees, mark down women’s prospects for promotion, and to assess them as more controlling than men in their management style. Apparently the “queen bee syndrome” of female rivalry in the workplace may be as bad as sexism in holding back women’s careers.

Women are hard on each other. Sometimes this can be a good thing. Like when you drive each other on to accomplish great things. But there are those who make a national sport out of putting down other women. Most women are instinctively into who in their environment is threatening to them - usually someone whose got better hair, shoes, or boobs. And the claws come out. But you'd never know - because it is usually very sophisticated and very subtle. Maybe the female of the species eally is deadlier than the male...

The point is we are own worst critics, our worse enemies at a time when we women need each other more than ever. In this age of world domination and cold independence, where would we be without our moms, sister, and girlfriends? The women in our lives hold us together, help us do the things we don't always want to do, and walk beside us on this incredible yet often treacherous path of life.

So, as tempting as it is, as delicious as it sometimes is, try not to bat against the home team. Don't knock the sisterhood.

Personal Training 101

Sometimes you get really lucky in life.. and find a great personal trainer.

Early in the summer, I felt kind of bulky and energy-less, and unmotivated. Every time I went to the gym  I would fool around on the cross trainer for a bit while watching a Lifetime movie and then scoot off to the sauna. So one day I signed up for a training session. I got Lori - a professional soccer player and coach - and she had me doing lunges and crunches, and sit ups and flip ups, and before I knew it I had signed up for ten sessions.. and then ten more. And all through it the woman made me laugh, listened to my chatter, and called me on my bs (I can't work out today, its raining).

Personal training basically is weight training (and other targeted exercises) to train your core muscle groups. Its not aerobic, its not cardio, although it can involve 10-15 of cardio to warm up.  And while it costs an arm and a leg (like any personal service) it will get you in the gym, and you'll probably learn something new every day.

And despite the fact that by the end of it I had lost no weight (in fact I gained about 4 pounds of muscle) it was totally worth it. The stronger muscles mean more definition, more ability to run faster for longer, healthier bones etc..  Training didn't help me get into that dress from 2004 but at least I have now covered my bases in terms of osteoporosis, and feel like I can kick someone's a*s if the need should arise.

If you are thinking of training, consider these things:

• Do you have the time to get in the gym couple times a week to work with the trainer and a couple more times to go through the routine on your own?
• Do you have cash, which if you didn't spend on this, you would spend on something frivolous anyway?
• Are there certified personal trainers at your gym? It is much easier if the service is available at your gym and there is a discount for members.
• Preferable that he/she is an intelligent person who will listen to what you say, be focused only on you during the sessions, and not talk your head off with unsolicited advice .
• It also really helps if the person is not trying to hit on you - so train with whatever gender you are not attracted to.
• If your trainer is fun, and you get to make a friend, thats a bonus!

Facebook has Ruined my Blogging

And in more ways than one.

First, after getting through the friend requests, writing on walls, throwing sheep, and checking out tagged photos, when is there time to write on blogs.. in fact I barely have time to check email anymore.

Second, what is there to write anymore? Everyone knows what you are up to, literally on a daily, if not hourly basis. Besides, I kind of feel like I am in touch with All and Sundry; is there really any need to write more about the goings-on in Washington - ex. the melting hot summer daze we are all in here? There isn't even a need to create and upload cute Ayush pics to flickr anymore because through my network you can access the albums on her parents' pages.

Its like Facebook makes everyone a mini-blogger. And writing/creative skills are not necessary, there's a template for everything, dumbed down and customized for the masses, keeping them in a big blue and white containment zone.

And make no mistake, FB is NOT a networking site. Its not about jobs or being linked in with alumni. Its about the gossip, the ‘what did you do yesterday’ element of it. Its about stalking people you barely know, voyeuristically flipping through pictures of folks you haven't been in touch with for decades.

It’s a gigantic high school reunion, with all the craziness and trauma that goes with it.

How to be a Good 'Friend'

Ah how the rules have changed.

Given that these days one is more likely to make friends on Facebook than at work or at the local coffee shop, we could all use some guidance. So courtesy of Valleywag:

1. Get in the friend zone. Have at least 15 "friends" so you don't look like a loner. But if you're just starting your career or not very connected, be wary of filling out with over 100 tenuous connections; after that, keep it below 300.

2. Be the interesting one. On a network where people actually do stuff (like the social messaging site Twitter), you can set yourself apart just by never wasting other people's time. Don't tell everyone "I'm making a sandwich." Tell them "I just dropped half my sandwich on the floor, peanut-butter side down. I picked out a couple of hairs so I think it's still okay to eat."

3. Interact with your friends. A Facebook user who just sits there without messaging, writing on walls, or at least joining a couple of groups; or a YouTube user who's never left a comment; or a Flickr user who has just three favorite photos, is like a sex partner who just lies there.

4. Let it all hang out. The more someone can see of your profile before they be"friend" you, the more likely they'll see something that makes you a good "friend."

5. Remember the reality curve. The more activity that happens on a social site, the more "friends" you can add that aren't actually friends. For instance, adding a hundred people you've never shaken hands with on Facebook is bad. Adding a hundred such people on Yahoo Chess, not bad at all.

6. Fake it just a little. Put up a flattering profile photo or highlight your best accomplishment. The slight disappointment as your "friend" gets to know you is a normal part of all human relationships. Just avoid lies and Photoshop.

7. Don't set your relationship status to "It's complicated." No one wants friends who are "complicated." Unless, of course, they're kind of creepy and think they can steal you away from whomever things are complicated with.

8. Link your social profiles to each other. Link to your Blogger or MySpace accounts from your Facebook profile. (Unless, of course, that's where you keep your private confessions and bong collection photos.) Like adding your friends as "friends" and filling out your profile, this just fills in context about you and makes you seem more like a real person.

9. Make mutual "friends." For a particularly tough-to-meet "friend," you've got to invade from neighboring territories. Yes, this is a metaphor from Risk, but it's kinda true.

10. Leave a wall post on birthdays. Endorse your colleagues. Favorite your "friends'" photos. Even if these little gestures feel meaningless to give, they feel strangely powerful to receive. In another sense, that's the whole point of being a good "friend."

OMG - My Mom is on Facebook!

Hilarious.  We are SO in the 21st century now.

Facebook is the size of a small country - 24 million 'citizens'. Its a serious phenomenon, totally overtaking MySpace and all those other networking sites.

It started as - just for the kids - then the adults got in. But why are parents using it to spy on the kids?? Creepy.

Parents are increasingly visiting social networking websites to ‘spy’ on their children, according to a study by London School of Economics (LSE).

So one thing that came out of my 20-something cousin's visit was that she got me onto this craze, and I have now set up abode on what undergrads all over the world are calling the second most "in" thing ever (the first being iPod and the third being sex).

But here's my question: the Facebook platform is totally open, anyone can sign up, parents included. How is this going to affect the needs of the primary market segment of teens and twentysomethings- for whom privacy is key to sharing emails and pictures with their friends about music, movies, and the latest crush?

In 5 days I have reconnected with all kinds of ex-classmates and old friends. Here's a typical Facebook  event:  Lotta Takala-Greenish (a girl who went to high school in Switz with me) sends a message asking if I'd like to contribute a recipe to a gift book for Priyanka Senadhira's wedding - another friend from high school who also went to LSE with me, and who also happens to be my ex sis-in-law. I also learnt that Nimit Shah and Neel Bhatia who I went to Wharton with are now friends, and that yesterday Pooja Mall threw a sheep at Smriti Jha who later that evening joined "I Was At LSE in the 1900's - LSE Alumni of the Last Millennium".

If globalization made the world smaller, Facebook has made it micro - a tiny tiny little village - where we all know exactly what everyone else is up to.